4th and last observation

My last observation was today. I was so anxious last night that I barely slept. The lesson was a good one. My supervisor comments on my well-planned lessons every time, which is a good boost.
She's said that I've improved a lot since the first observation. I hope she can see how hard I'm trying.

But she did mention that, when I do get my own classroom, that if I don't establish structure and procedure, that I would go home with a headache every day. The class should know what is expected of them as soon as they walk into the classroom. She said that it was too late to try to establish that structure because there was already an established culture of the classroom.

I do feel like a failure in this regard. I feel like I did start to establish a routine with the daybooks. Every day, the students were to come in and get their daybooks and write down the class agenda and memos. It was something resembling a procedure, and the students got used to it quickly, but I hadn't thought about everything I was going to do with them, such as how often I would collect them and grade them, what I wanted the entries to look like, how many points I would assign to them, etc.

I never seem to give enough thought to anything, especially the procedure. I always seem to work at the last minute this semester, and even when I seclude myself in my room for a weekend, I still can't seem to get everything done that I want to get done. I'm aware I'm beating myself up over this, but I NEED to chide myself for this, otherwise it will become a pattern and I will be a miserable, ineffective teacher.

And as much as I appreciate it, it doesn't do me any good when people tell me that I'll be fine, and that they know I'll be a great teacher. I need to work towards that; it doesn't just happen by itself. Why can't I work as fast as everyone else?

I'm assigning the culminating activity for the Julius Caesar unit tomorrow. My time as a student teacher is almost done. I wish I could feel content and proud of my experience, but there is just so much that I wish I could go back and fix! Can I please have a redo? I want to have sat down and planned out exactly how I wanted the class to be from the very first day onward. I want to have started planning my unit earlier. The list goes on and on. I hope my cooperating teacher isn't disappointed with the classroom culture that I've left her with in 6th hour. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to fix it when I'm gone.

I have a lot to research and reflect upon between now and the first day of my first job.